You Might Recall

Some months ago, after a nice leisurely lunch on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, the distraction took me to the used record store, where he wanted to show me the collection of Morrissey singles he had found that was selling for over $100.

As we browsed among the different albums and titles, I found one that I have been missing for quite some time. I picked it up, in part as a gesture to see if he'd be embarrassed by my music selection. Immediately after purchase, we went back to my place where I placed it on the stereo and happily remembered most of the lyrics and danced around as he lazily looked on from the couch/futon.

While distractions never last, good music does.

What was it you said to me
Back in the days when things looked fine
'bout how we would be together
Until we left the earth behind
Oh, it's funny how things can change
Cos there was a time I thought I'd be the one
Who'd leave and start again
But now I'd stay forever

Ooh my hopes are as the leaves upon the water
Just sunk in the night
And though I know you couldn't care, you oughtta
Ah, the end of a life
Or maybe when you're older, and you're thinking back
You might recall
Now did I act carefully, did I do right?
Or were we meant to be, all of our lives
In love and harmony, all of our lives?

So now, take my hand
Come, hold me closely
As near as you can
Believing all that we could be
And all that we have been
And all that we are

Dismal

Perhaps not what most think of when planning their "spring break."

25 Years

5 years ago this evening I went to the theater in Kyiv to listen to the orchestra play a performance on night the 20th anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster. It was mournful and yet still full of spirit. A bit like the Ukrainian people, one could say.

I think about how quickly those 5 years have passed, and how within this past year we have witnessed another catastrophic event in Japan involving radiation from nuclear reactors.

25 years ago, I would have been 8. My memories of that time are vague. And like watching a movie with the lens covered in a thick gauze.

It's strange to think that 25 years ago I was sitting in a classroom and would eventually hear (as the rest of the world would alert us to what the Soviets tried to cover up) of this "nuclear fallout."

As a child, I was always interested in other places--their customs and holidays have always fascinated me most of all. I remember getting the impression that we were to fear the Soviet Union. Ronald Reagan perhaps gave me that idea, but it was perpetuated through the media, and perhaps even my parents.

I would have sat in that classroom, or in front of that tv all of those years ago and not had any idea where Ukraine was or even what it was. And yet, fast-forward 20 years later, and it is my adopted home and I am seated in the nation's capital, in their renowned theater, listening as the nation commemorates one of their greatest tragedies.

I met people who were affected by the Chernobyl disaster. People whose lives are still affected, as so many people (especially children) were relocated to other places to live. Even school age children today display the symptoms of the radiation poisoning that still exists in certain pockets of the country. While tourist companies may claim that it is safe to visit the zone, they won't be getting any of my dollars anytime soon.

So many things have changed, included the dissolution of the Soviet Union. Many scholars attribute what happened on April 26, 1986 as being a key event that shone the light on the corruption of the Soviet government to the rest of the world and of the Union's inability to manage and oversee its own infrastructure. That is to say nothing of their complete disregard for the people in the surrounding towns, like Pripyat and those individuals sent to fight the fires in the reactor, basically getting marching orders to go to their graves.

One of the most memorable museums I have ever been to is the Ukrainian National Chernobyl Museum which I visited upon my return to Ukraine in the summer of 2009. I believe I cried at several different points in this small museum, finding it to be so moving, and so utterly sad that this international catastrophe could have been avoided and at how callous and corrupt the Soviet government had become.

This evening, I especially remember Ukraine...

Self Portrait # 2

Strange Behaviour

Lowest Point in US

A close up of the salt:


A view of the basin--and of the salt:


Another view:

Thanksgiving 2009

Death Valley, CA

No Smoking!

Kharkov, Summer 2009

Today's Tarot

The Past:


The 2 of Pentacles, representing indecision. A balance of two impossible opposites. The ship has sailed, a cycle is coming on.

The Present:


The High Priestess, representing looking within, isolation. A solitary woman. A female hermit. Going off by self. The psychic card.

The Future:


The 9 of Pentacles, representing fulfillment. Success. Prosperity, in a homey sense.


Other prominent card:

The Moon:


Pay attention to dreams, write them down. Self-discovery through dreams, and paying attention to intuition.

In general:

6 months till move, leaving Arizona for water. Grieving will continue.

Why Do You Come Here, When You Know..

You had to sneak into my room 'just' to read my diary
It was just to see, just to see all the things you knew I'd written about you?
Oh so many illustrations
Oh, but I am so very sickened
Oh, I am so sickened NOW

Self Portrait # 1

Where the streets have foreign names.

America the Beautiful

Just a quick hike before the wedding





August, 2010.

Synchronicity

The other night, some friends and I got in to a heavy conversation about religion and our individual belief systems.

I spoke about my tendency to be an "all or nothing at all" type of gal, and that these days I tend to stay on the "nothing at all" side of the spectrum.

Later, this personal declaration was turned on its head when I professed that I do put very heavy stock into the concept of fate, as that is how I have learned to ascribe meaning from things that I otherwise don't and can't understand. "Isn't that an 'all' mentality?" he questioned. Hmm.

I do attribute meaning to things that others would probably just consider coincidence. I believe that these signs are indications of actions I should take, of being on the right path, or at least "my" path, and that these things are connected in some way so that only I can derive meaning from them.

This afternoon, I did my weekly grocery shopping. While there, a student I have worked with came up to me and made the comment about me being a real person, who does things real everyday things like grocery shop; that I actually exist outside of my office and how weird that is. Ah. So I have become *that* person now, due to my age. How awesome.

When I came home, I did my normal routine, which is to bring in the bags, put them down in the kitchen, and start putting everything away. When I was done, I noticed a business card on the floor. It was one of mine from a previous life. I don't really know where it came from, but there it was.

And then it came, a connection between these two completely unrelated events.

Some years ago, in that prior life, a very similar thing happened. I was on a bus, going to work, and a few stops after mine I noticed a man getting on the bus who looked a lot like a friend of mine from my days as a VISTA. Sure enough, the closer he got to me, I realized it was my friend. We sat and chatted, caught up, and even sat together on the T until he had to get off for his work.

My takeaway impression from that positive experience was actually a negative. I lived someplace where I had an established past and where I would run into people I knew. That idea irked me. Shoot, it horrified me. If I wasn't moving physically to new and different locations, I didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything. Or that I was alive.

Soon after, very soon after, I moved to Arizona.

Lately, in my struggle to find meaning in my life, I think about the connections you make and what makes a community or home. In general, it's neat to me that I've now lived here long enough to actually go out and run into people I know, but that business card and that somewhat off-putting encounter at the grocery store allowed me to make the connection that I could very well be ready to leave. And that prior city has some real major assets to it that I never was able to take full advantage of in that past life. Many of the things that I am currently seeking.

Is this coincidence? Just a rambling of thoughts, memories, and hopes for a better and happier me around the corner? Perhaps. But it's nice to recognize signs or at least to dream about them, even if for some reason, I am able to find the answers here.

A Few From the Recent Past

Spring walk in the Catalina's, May 2010



Largest public outside Memorial Day gathering in the US, May 2010



Chiricahua National Monument, July 2010

Rules of Attraction

Call me old school, but if I didn't give you: 1) my phone number or 2) my email address and I only politely tell you my FIRST name and where I work, I don't want you to email me or call me at my work place.

I'm a polite person, so yes, I will respond, and I'll say "working on things right now, not really interested in meeting anyone" because 1) it's true and 2) I'm not into you.

Don't continue to write to me or be pushy about wanting to meet. I understand that in the law of averages this method must work a certain percentage of the time, but with us other women, it just comes across as psycho.

Also, don't call yourself an intelligent person when you don't know the difference between to and too and lady's and ladies. It's insulting to me, who actually does know the difference between these things. I was too (see, that's how that word is used) polite to bring up the point that your one course at the U does not charm me. If donkeys could pay and prove citizenship, they'd be allowed to take classes at the U too.

But what pisses me off more than anything else is this: because I don't "belong" to a man either by being in a relationship or marriage with one that that makes it okay to harass me even after I've said no. Twice. After you contacted me inappropriately. Twice. That is not how this works. I should not have to lie and say that yes, I have a boyfriend, in order for you to honor the words "thanks, but I'm not interested."

I'm angry. What is wrong with people and why do they think that this is an appropriate way to contact people? Am I crazy for thinking that this is out of line? When does it become too far? When he comes to my house? My work place? What?

This is the second time in less than three years that a man has acted out of bounds with me. Do I wear some sort of sign on my face that says "desperate?," "lonely?," "no self-esteem?" What is it? It's NOT ok. I'd love to point the finger at the person who put me in this situation to begin with, but perhaps there is something about me that makes me an easy target? Is it my stupid smile and nervous laugh? Jesus. Someone just tell me what makes me so vulnerable to the wrong kind of people so I can fix this, and either be more assertive or more open!

The Quiet Pleasures of Snow

Staring out across a snowy backyard, I saw two birds fly from tree to tree without making a sound. I miss that kind of quiet.

Spring Beauty..

Is there anything quite so wonderful as a spring snow storm?

The Colors of the Southwest

As I prepare for snow, it's nice to remember the vibrancy that exists in my desert home.

Sometimes I wonder....

...why would I ever want to leave?

Arizona

As of a few months ago, Arizona has become the place that I have lived the longest since graduating from college back in 2000.

This means that I've lived here for over 27 months.

What a feat that is for a person like me.

My beloved supervisor from my VISTA days once said, "Molly does everything in two year stints." For some reason, I always took that to heart. Two years is long enough to get the hang of what you are doing--to learn the lay of the land--and to have seen enough to know that you are ready to move on to greener pastures and not get bored or complacent.

Perhaps that is one way of attempting to describe what could otherwise be referred to as 'itchy feet' but I've really tried to dig down and make the Sonoran desert my home. The natural beauty is astounding and I have endless opportunities for hiking and great weather.

But the work lacks meaning for me.

Currently, there are opportunities to instead work on personal growth, which in some ways I believe can only happen by being stationary and fighting against similar patterns I've used in the past in an effort to find what it is that I truly want. On the other hand, what is the point in fighting something that just has never felt entirely "home"?

I miss having meaning and purpose in my life. I'm looking for something, but I'm still not clued into what it could be. Teaching? Development work? Running volunteer programs? Working towards social change?

I just don't know. But I am thinking that I should sit on a bit....

Or maybe not?